Friday, August 30, 2013

The Two People Inside of Me

There are two people inside of me

The woman I am

And the woman y'all want me to be

The latter isn't enough for me

And the former isn't enough for you

I feel like the only one who

Loves me for me

And not the facade put on

For all to see

But I am on a journey

Down a deep dark dangerous path

To murder the person I don't want to be

And to set the real woman free

So no longer will there be two people inside of me



Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Moments

I live for the moments that only  I see.
The moments that happen when you're beside me.
The moments when you forget your past.
The moments when you realize the pain doesn't have to last.
I live for the moments that only I see.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Dating An Older Man AKA Mr. FancyPants

Before my first official full day on the phone at my new call center gig (we've been in training since i moved) I'm indulging in one of my favorite TV shows New Girl! I've seen every episode but I'm re-watching it again for kicks. I am at the part when Jess dates one of her students dad who is significantly older than her. When they started discussing what they were doing in 1989. Mr. FancyPants was dating and Jess was learning how to use a toaster. Then i was like damn I'm dating an older man. So now this blog.

When You're dating an older man:


 and you get invited to a black tie wedding, he will probably just be able to pull something appropriate out of the closet while you spend WEEKS researching black tie  and looking at websites before finding the perfect dress.
Love this Pic! We look Fabulous

if you suddenly feel like you are turning into a mermaid cuz you can't stop drinking water just like what happened in the 13th year, he will not get the reference because he never saw a Disney Channel Original Movie

Love me some Disney Channel Originals

He was drinking legally before you were even in high school

Don't worry now that ur legal he will liquor u up real proper.
He is likely to have an adorable lil girl thus leading to his SCARY witch neighbor asking you one day where YOUR little girl is.....Yeah awkward
Scary Witch Neighbor Lady

And these are just the few scenarios that happened in the past week!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Little Princess

I am watching one of my favorite movie's of all time is A Little Princess.

It reminds me of my childhood. And tonight I am feeling a bit like a child. I feel overwhelmed by my life and crave the embrace of my parents. Well I really crave them coming to my rescue and solving all my problems for me (I digress). But as I am well into adulthood that is not likely to happen.

Moving is proving to be extremely challenging and in no way form or fashion can I afford to pay movers. Two Men and a Truck quoted me over $1000 for a one bedroom apartment....yeah not gonna happen. My new job is starting to stress me and I am nervous I won't be successful or worse I just won't like it. I've even questioned moving all together. So while I'm trying not to drown in these feelings I am comforted by watching this movie from my childhood. This movies that states that all girls are princesses.

It is empowering. Stating that being a princess is more an internal mindset than an external title of status. So while I may have to work every single day for the rest of my life that does not mean that I am not a princess. I am a princess without needing a prince to be one. I have a man but he does not define the princess in me. Similarly the girls in this movie transcend as princesses on their own. Even the maid (slave) Becky was a princess in this movie because she BELIEVED she was (a princess) and that she was worth more.

The movie is also about standing up for what you believe in. When the main character a little girl who has spent a lot of her life in India suddenly finds herself living under the tyranny of a cruel headmistress at a boarding school she doesn't just submit to her will. She stands up for what she believes in and empowers all of those around her. Even after her father was killed in the war and she too was forced to enter into a life of servitude she still believed that she and all girls were princesses "even snotty two-faced bullies".

 I hope that one day I have a little princess of my own to share this message and movie with.

So until then I encourage YOU, my readers who never comment (jerks) to go out and be princesses.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Introducing a Lil Chaos

So yesterday I had a plan. That plan was to deviate from my normal PLAN or style of blogging and start a new (well old) way of blogging.

BUT

I told no one of this plan mainly cuz I was just blogging from pure emotion and it just flowed it just came. Well I should have listened better to the Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight when he said the following quote.

You know… You know what I’ve noticed? Nobody panics when things go “according to plan.” Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all “part of the plan.” But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!
Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It’s fair!

So when I was blogging my happy go lucky blog that felt shallow to me nobody panicked. Because it was part of the plan they knew about. But when I said I was going to start venting and said somethings that were not part of the plan then chaos was introduced. Suddenly my blogging is unacceptable and a problem. Specifically my posting the blog on social media. Despite the fact that I pretty much have posted EVERY SINGLE POST on multiple social media outlets. I write so other people can read it to. Part of it is my EGO but mainly I'm searching for understanding. Maybe there is someone out there who understands how I feel or even feels the same. As a human we want to feel validated...I am no different.

BUT

I can understand how and why the blogs can be upsetting. Nobody wants to be seen in a negative light to the public...well except maybe Chris Brown and he has nothing to do with this blog. So I guess I just won't blog anymore. Blogging without sharing feels like writing a diary and I don't want to do that. I want to share experiences both good AND bad.  But they aren't just my experiences to share and I guess its only right that I respect that when there are other people involved. But still it feels like I'm getting the short end of this particular stick.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Venting

Unfortunately much like a pressure cooker, I internalize a lot of things.














So I decided to blog to rant and rave and vent about what i had to say.

Most of my venting focused on my relationship at the time...

Then that relationship died...

And I felt enlightened.










So I was all I will create a NEW positive blog.

Thus eradicating my outlet for venting.

Another deterrent to my venting is my unhealthy concern about what other people think.

My unrelenting desire to be liked, has spilled over and I want to be a people pleaser with my blog.

Even a novice like me knows this is a blogging no-no.

You have to blog for yourself and NOBODY else.

An associate of mine has a blog and he tends to blog when he is upset. Blogging is a healthy outlet for him to release frustrations and i'm jealous that blogging is no longer that for me.

I need my blogs to be more like THAT.

More devil may care. It's my blog Imma write what the HELL I want!

So yeah I am going to work on that...

One way would be to post more the blogs I write.

Surprise! Surprise!














While it may look like I haven't written anything in over month. I actually have written about two complete posts and a couple of mini posts.

Well no more Mrs. Nice Girl ( I hope) I'm gonna get back to my roots and back to keeping it real!

...I Hope

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Robert Downing Jr ( RDJ)

After that depressing a** post I have decided to follow up with something more light hearted lol ( I am sure if any therapist are reading this post *cough cough* this is some kind of mental behavior thing that I can't seem to recall the name for).

After doing my favorite right before bed activity (surfing Pinterest) I saw this.
 
Seriously how do we know whose face that is?? I mean for all we see it could me my face

What's up with people's love for Robert Downing Jr.??

My boyfriend sent me an article earlier today (http://social.entertainment.msn.com/movies/blogs/blog--robert-downey-jr-to-return-for-avengers-2-and-3#scpshrjmg) that announced that RDJ has officially signed on for Avengers 2 and 3 (yay).

However no Iron Man 4. Now while this was exciting news what REALLY caught my attention were the comments from readers of the article.




This only a few there are like 50 or so more of these. People are obsessed with Robert Downey Jr. 
A subsequent Google search pulled up ( not surprisingly) a number of fan sites.
 
The first on the list being Robert Downing, Jr. Fan .
 
If BeyoncĂ© has her Beyhive the Robert Downing, Jr. definitely has whatever would be his equivalent ... IDK  The Iron Mans?
 
Yeah get It Dude..This must be the Mark -1.5
 
Me personally I'm on the fence about Mr. RDJ yeah Iron Man 1&2 were good....3 was different ( He wasn't even really an ahole and that's kinda all RDJ is known for). I don't know that I believe NO other actors could play the role. That is a little extreme. Like if this were an alternate universe I totally could see me writing this same blog about them instead of RDJ.
 
 
What's your take on the RDJ fandom?
 
Behind IRON bars MAN
 


Locked in a Barren WasteLand Turned To Stone


(I am still working on deciding how emotional and real I want to get with my blogs so don't be surprised if you see this one disappear lol)

I have a concern. What if I have nothing left to give. What if I have spent all my passion and fire on past relationships. When something upsets me in a relationship or when we have arguments I am stone. As if I have stared into the eyes of the gorgon Medusa. I don't bring up my own personal grievances or inquire about alluded grievances I myself am committing. 

Even when I am baited with things that would normally drive me bat shit crazy, I do and say nothing. Previously I would rant, rave, yell, cuss and shout. I use to gossip and vent with girlfriends and LS's (even my work family used to get a piece of the Jenna drama) . Now no one knows. Not even me what the hell is going on. I just feel emptiness when there should be ire. After a relationship of constant daily yelling and fighting maybe I have nothing left in me. Maybe we have a quota of how much we can fight or try in a relationship and mine has simply been reached. I believe that fights, arguments, discussions etc... are natural in relationships like growing pains. Of course if all you do is shutdown no compromises or understandings into your partner can be reached. Instead of empathy I've been emoting apathy...

Communication is key as they say. Without communicating I know that I can not unlock the door that leads from barren wastelands of failed relationships to the utopian paradise of a successful one.

 
 
Until then I am doomed to be locked away under stone.
 
 
 
How do you feel about fights in relationships?

Thursday, June 6, 2013

3 Day Cleanse and Results!

In my last woe is me blog post I mentioned that I was attempting a 3 day cleanse. Well I am proud to say I was successful! It was either not as hard as I'd always feared or I really motivated by my upcoming trip to Vegas. Here is the plan I basically followed with some minor modifications.

The plan is from http://fasteasyfit.blogspot.com/.

 

Here are the basic steps you need to take to lose 10 lbs in 3 days... or at least look like you did:

Step 1: Do a 1-day juice fast or raw diet

Step 2: Eat a low-cal, high-volume, starch-free diet

Step 3: Do some form of effective full-body exercise
 
 
 
Day 1
 
 I simply consumed water all day. For lunch I had the Bolthouse Farms Mango 32 oz. drink. My coworker told me it was a good diuretic if you drink the whole drink in one sitting.  I definitely had some interesting stomach situations the rest of that day! For dinner I cheated and had a can of the progressive light clam chowder ( the WHOLE can, shameful I know). That was a combined total of only around 800 calories. That evening I also did this 10 min cardio workout app on my iPad.
 
I woke up the next morning and
2lbs lighter!
 
 
Day 2
 
I went to the grocery on my way to work and bought some fruits and veggies for day 2 which basically is supposed to be only things you can grow or catch. For Breakfast I had a slice of watermelon. Then because I was using my lunch break to get my nails done (priorities) I simply ate baby carrots on and off through out the day. For dinner I sautĂ©ed fish with onions and peppers in some olive oil with a side of kale and onions and peppers.  Here is the kicker my coworker who has been to Vegas before mentioned how bloated he got while out in Vegas. So I used NO SALT in my cooking. The Kale was ok the fish was horrible. I appreciate salt like never before. I did my little 10 min iPad workout and.....
 
ANOTHER 2 LBS LIGHTER
 
 
Day 3
 
Ok on this day I had a hard boiled egg for breakfast (minus the yolk YUCK!) This time lunch was skipped because again I was too busy to really eat on my lunch break. I did eat a few carrots and the last 2 slices of watermelon throughout the day tho. At the end of my shift I had another boiled egg before I got on the road to Nashville. For dinner I had a HUGE cheat and stopped a subway for a six inch sweet onion teriyaki chicken sandwich WITH CHEESE. I know super bad. And I was to tired to do my 10 min workout that night but in the morning...
 
 
2 MORE LBS LIGHTER
 
 
 
So after 3 days of "cleansing" I lost a total of 6 lbs! And it was pretty easy. After I gain all this weight back pigging out in Vegas I am definitely gonna attempt it again as a jump start to losing and maintain the weight for good!
 
 

Monday, June 3, 2013

Body Image Catastrophe

I was instructed to drink this 32 oz all fruit juice in 30 mins to "flush" out my system
I am 5'6 and over 150 lbs. The heaviest I have been in my entire life. And I can NOT stand it. I obsess with how much I hate my body and yet I do very little to change it. Last October I joined a gym and lost a little over 10 lbs. Since then I steadily but surely put the weight right back on. Now 3 days until my big Vegas trip I am foolishly starving myself and doing "3 day cleansing diets".

 I know it is absurd but I just don't feel sexy. And who goes to Vegas not feeling sexy??

Bigger women claim they would kill to look like me, while at the same time I would kill to have someone else's body. It is a never ending cycle. When I was 10 lbs. lighter I was actually pleased with weight for the first time ever.

The funny thing is when I was 136 lbs. in high school I would always say I was fat! Now I can't even imagine being that small again!

Aging has not been a friend to my metabolism. But also I have become a major stress eater (and a stress drinker but we aren't talking about that). The real world is hella stressful and my coping strategy has been flawed. Instead of turning to cardio to deal with stress I have turned to carbs (mmmmmmm pasta).

I know my boyfriend, coworker, sister, mother, and others are tired of hearing me gripe and complain about my weight so now I'm turning to who ever reads my blogs. Anyone else hate their body and yet finds themselves unmotivated to lose the weight?

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Silver Linings

***WARNING THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOLIERS TO SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK AND IRON MAN 3. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***
 
 
 
Long time no blog. As I have stated in the past it is hard for me to blog when I am happy. It is easier to hold onto some negative emotion and spiral out of control with that than it is for me to celebrate positivity. But I am working on that!
 
Over the weekend ( which will have its own post later) I saw the film Silver Linings Playbook ( for free shout out to redbox). The movie is basically the love story between two people. Sounds familiar? Well add in the mix that both of these people are legitimately crazy. Like they take pills. The male lead Bradley Cooper's character discovers he is an undiagnosed bipolar after walking in on his wife and her coworker in the shower. He beats the man within an inch of his life. He consequently suffers from a break from reality.
 
It got me to thinking...What if each and every one of us has the capacity to be crazy. What if it only takes a trigger or certain event to cause our subconscious crazy to come forth. I know this is probably the most controversial thing I have ever written.
 
Some of our craziness is closer to the surface and may require less of a trigger while other's may have deep buried craziness that is less likely to surface during our lifetime. You never know what you are gonna do in a situation until you are faced with that situation yourself. So I try not to judge situations I hear about when I know nothing about it myself. Personally I did not see the big deal in Bradley Cooper almost killing his wife's lover.
 
The female lead in The Silver Linings Playbook (Jennifer Lawrence whom I believe won an award or something from this movie)  has learned to accept, embrace, and own her craziness. While Bradley Cooper denies denies denies .  So while both are crazy one is more ostracized in the community than the other. 
 
In Iron Man 3 Tony suffers from post traumatic stress disorder due to what he experienced during the Avengers.
 
Essentially the events in the final battle TRIGGERED his craziness. I know it is a movie but still if Iron Man go crazy I am pretty sure anyone can.
 
I feel like the word crazy has gotten a bad rap. It automatically has a negative connotation to it. What if craziness is just an individuals way of being honest. In a world and society where no one trusts each other and people are discouraged from showing emotions and/or their true self anybody who breaks from the norm can be considered crazy. I don't mean crazy as in mental illness that is a completely different thing. I mean crazy as a lifestyle as a reaction to an event like I don't know the death of a loved one or falling a gazillion and one miles back to Earth after preventing a Nuke from exploding.  I have always embraced my craziness and I think I am one of those hypothetical people who hold their craziness closer to the surface.
 
"While not everything can be repaired, most everything can be survived"
 
This is a beautiful quote from Grey's Anatomy.
 
So go ahead be crazy, be YOUR crazy. If you get hurt it might not get repaired but I bet it will get survived. And you just might find YOUR happiness and YOUR silver lining.
 
 
 

 
 


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Blog Makeover

At the advice of one of my favorite bloggers I will being giving my blog a little makeover! Just a heads up in case it looks different next time you visit!

My first attempt at styling Fro Fro. Jenna.Sais.Quoi's version of a High Puff

Happy Sunday Blog People! It's super slow at work today so entertain myself I will share my hair story from this morning with you!

( Life got in the way and it is now Wednesday when I am posting this. But I started on Sunday I swear!)

If you did not know, natural hair is hard. I have no idea why I thought It was going to be easy when I was relaxed.
 
I just took down my Brazilian extentions from noa lynne boutique and I am about to get some Senegalese twists.
 
Well for the past two day my natural hair (her name is fro fro ) has been out and about. Typically I just co wash fro fro add some curly products from Aveda and call It a day.
This morning I woke up and decided to try actually styling Fro Fro for a change. I researched VIA Google and Youtube for almost an hour before deciding to try a high puff

This first picture is what a high puff is supposed to look like.


Now this is what I did and what I ended up with!

First I wet Fro Fro then brushed her out into what I consider a real Afro.
 
Then I applied my "gel" around my perimeter. Except I don't own any gel so I just used this Garnier Fructis product that promises 24 hour hold. Sounded the same as gel to me "shrug".

Then I followed one of the MANY youtube videos I watched this morning and used a scarf to "set" my "gel".


Apparently this puts like waves in your hair which I DID NOT know. I thought you had to have a certain "grade" of hair to get the waves. *cue good and bad hair from School Daze*

 
( Made it extra large because I thought the waves were hard to see)

Then I simply tied my scarf around it because I was lacking in the ouchless headbands that were typically used in the making of a high bun.

 
 
Overall I was extremely please with the result! I think my hair in the back needs to grow a little bit more though. Maybe by the next time I wear my hair again it will be perfect!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Just an Update Post

Hello Blog People!

Just wanted to give you an update on my life!

To start with...

SHE SAID YES
 
 
 
My baby sister is engaged and I am unofficially a Maid of Honor (its not official till I get my official request lol)
 
The happy couple has a beautiful website with more pictures and their story. Go check it out at www.jfwed.co !
 
 
The second update is....
 
 
I'm Officially In a Relationship with my Best Friend
 
 
This happy couple does not have a website...We are just dating that would be weird....
I almost had to blog about how I almost ruined everything. But Lo and Behold communication really is key and discussing everything ended with the dramatic conclusion of ME asking him to be my boyfriend. Yep I asked him! It was the least I could do since I messed up. BIG TIME. But enough about that lol.

 
 
I have discovered when you meet the right person it changes you.  I am suddenly having all these domesticated thoughts and wanting to stay in rather than go dancing at the clubs. I am wanting to become more like the kind of woman a man would want to marry. Less selfish putting their happiness before mine. It is a strange feeling. 
 
I am really happy with life right now. Unfortunately when I am happy I blog less. I also workout less so I am sad to say I gained all the weight back I lost 6 months ago. And its swimsuit season and for some reason crop tops are in style. While this ungodly lower stomach pudge definitely is not. So back to the gym it is for me and hopefully I can lose 15 lbs before swim suit season ends.




Tuesday, March 19, 2013

DTR ( Defining The Relationship)

I am sure half of the people who clicked on my link from twitter thought I was getting married. Silly rabbits rings are for girl's in a relationship. I have been single for somewhere around 6 months maybe longer not really counting. The first month it was like How Jenna Got Her Groove Back or something. My missing self-confidence returned with a vengeance and I discovered an intense love for myself that someone I had lost along the way.


(me sometime after the breakup getting my groove back)
 

Eventually one of my close male friends got out of his long term relationship too. And slowly the jokes turn less innocent and the friendship gradually feels more and more like a relationship. Till on no spoken terms it is mutually understood that we are "talking".



I have NEVER been a fan of "talking". It is an ambiguous term I feel guys use to satisfy a woman's desire for commitment and loyalty without actually providing her with that which she desires. It confusing and the distinction of what one can and can't do whom one can an can't spend time with is blurred. Can you go on dates with other people or is this unacceptable. This creates more confusion, unnecessary drama, and potentially hurt feelings.

"Talking" to someone reminds me of the old saying...


Why Buy The Cow
When You Can Get the Milk For Free
 
Why would a man commit to being in a relationship with you when he can get all he wants from you by saying you guys are talking. On the flip side of this if you keep pressuring a man into being in a relationship that is a huge turn off and will make him want to even less! I am also not a fan of the ultimatum ( ol tomato) technique either. That sounds like you are forcing him to be with you or else. Who wants to be with someone you had to force to be in a relationship with you?
 


I was in love with my best friend during my college years. However we never explicitly Defined The Relationship. Biggest mistake ever. He ended up moving on with someone who would define the relationship ( In hindsight he was bat shit crazy and I am eternally grateful I did not end up with him). At that time I was crushed, devastated, heartbroken, etc... This situation left a scar on my heart an a shadow in my soul. Took years for me to return the positive diva you have before you.

One thing I am convinced of is that it is feelings that make the relationship. You can avoid defining the relationship all you like but if you have feelings for this person akin to someone in a committed relationship (jealousy, love, etc.) then its all for naught and you are simply delaying the inevitable. Whether that be that you will be in a relationship eventually and you wasted all this time not defining your relationship when you could have been growing as a couple or that the other party will get tired of waiting on you and move on to someone else.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Proposal Watch 2013

My younger sister who is my very best friend in the entire universe is getting engaged soon. How do I know this you ask? I know because she and her significant other have had a ring since the beginning of February. My sister was there when he purchased the ring and everything. However it is now approaching the end of March and still no proposal has come.

I call what they are doing an entire new relationship step between dating and engagement called pre-engagement. It is unorthodox but if you really examine it it is more practical. He has no reason to fear she will say no or that she will not like the ring. I am a firm believer that in this day and age each and every couple must create their own story. They can not simply follow in the foot steps of those who came before them but they must make their own path.


My sister's boyfriend has done a superb job of creating excitement and mystery behind the event though. She may know about the ring but she still has no idea when he will actually ask the question. I mean he had the ring before VALENTINE'S DAY and no proposal came. In the mean time they are working out wedding ideas and picking out things like colors despite not being engaged. The most amazing thing however is how sucked in my family and friends are.

  • My mom has already had people offer to help with the shower.
  • I spent hours looking at wedding dresses on skype with my sister the other day.
  • Everyone is waiting on pins an needles for him to ask her. I was on a date the other day and since I knew they were at dinner I checked my phone repeatedly for a picture of a finger with a new ring on it.

Surprisingly, I am not the least bit jealous of my younger sister's pending engagement. I feel like I've always known she would "jump the broom first".  I am a hard person to love and it will take a very special man to want to put up with me for the rest of his life.

All these hullabaloo got me to thinking about the history of marriage proposals, weddings, and marriage in general.

Wikipedia was not very illuminating about the history of marriage proposals but I did find an article about why men get down on bended knee. It is a sign of respect not unlike

a knight kneeling to his Queen offering his life for the crown.
(pretty sure this is LOTR fan art...)
 
When a man proposes he is pledging his unwavering loyalty and commitment to his new fiancee. Sounds like a myth with today's divorce rates though. A couple of my co-workers have shared their proposal stories with me. They range from a public proposal in an aquarium to an intimate affair at the apartment they shared. One bizarre story involved a couple getting engaged while they were broken up. The only thing in common with these stories is that the women said yes.

I personally am a fan or public proposals. I even have a secret dark twisted fantasy to turn someone down in public (muhahahahahaha). I have been beaten to the punch though.

 
 
 

If and when my sister does get engaged I will have the honor of being her maid of honor. I am kind of a wedding junkie so this is a big deal to me. One of the things I'm looking forward to the most this year is that I have been asked/invited myself as a date to three weddings this year! I feel like a wedding crasher. One is even in Vegas! However, the one I am looking forward to the most is the one at the end of the year because I have actually met the bride and groom and I genuinely like them.
 
When speaking with the bride the other evening she mentioned that she has not even purchased a dress yet!


Pretty sure this is the exact face I made when she told me that since her wedding is this year.

On the other end of the spectrum my sis has an appointment to view dresses an she has not gotten engaged yet (when she made the appointment she thought she would be by now). I don't know who is more ready for my sister's boyfriend to propose... me or my sister.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Ticking Time Bomb

Long time no blog huh? Well this is the begining of  my blog-a-thon. I have had a lot on my mind and my heart lately. And a lot has happened today. So I will most likely blog until all my feelings are laid bare. This first entry was started before my emotional day and is based on the biggest picture of my life with no zoom.


My biological clock has been clicking so damn loud it sounds like the alarm is going off. Snooze only last so long and then its back again. According to Wikipedia the term biological clock is based on the correlation between a woman's age and her fertility. Women reach their peak fertility in their early to mid twenties. Well my mid twenties are approaching and they are approaching a little too quickly for my tastes. Now while I don't consider 24 mid twenties the same can not be said for 25.

My fears are linked to this biological clock theory. I am a firm believer that getting married takes time. True love pass the infatuation stage must stand the test of time. Well as I am on the verge of my 24th year even if I found the man I am going to marry this year, realisticly and optimally I would not start trying to get pregant till around 28 at the very earliest. So when I call myself old I am really saying I am too old to not have more of this life and love stuff figured out. Perhaps if my career or other areas of life were going better I would not care so much. But they are not. Everything is a glaring failure.

There is no chance that I will have a baby out of wedlock despite the increasing occurances of such. With media shows making 16 year old moms celebrities, waiting to have children until after marriage is becoming less and less of a societal norm. However times have changed. Women are no longer getting married as soon as their menstral cycle starts. We are going to school and having careers. There has been much debate on wheter women can have it all ( children and a career). If you are successful enough you can invest more money into assisting getting preggers. This mountain of student loans that sucks me dry every single month informs me that will not be an option for me.

On the topic of times changing. In the past it was more common to wait until wedlock to have sex. Possibily now majority of people have sex way before marriage. As I previously stated, in the past people got married at much younger ages. So it can be infered that back then people were 16 and pregnant and married. I have even heard people say they would not marry someone they had not had sex with. In the media being a virgin is stigmatized as being a prude if you're a woman or a pimply nerdy geek if you're a man. How does this relate to my biological clock? Well I haven't had sexual intercourse. I don't consider myself a virgin but I haven't ever done anything that could possibly result in offspring. I don't know my exact reasons. However I suspect its a combination of the fear of the unknown and the desire to only have sexual intercourse with one man ever. Call me crazy, because I probaly am.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

Fact Vs Fiction

While watching Grey's anatomy last night ( I don't have cable so I watch online at random times) I was hit with a startling realization. The media creates a fictitious ideas of how relationships works. These images are destructive towards having a real relationship in Today's world. On Grey's Anatomy Season 9 Episode 12 one of the doctor's was making out in the ambulance with a paramedic when the paramedic stopped her and asked her out on a date because he wanted to see her outside the ambulance. FICTION. In real life the guy would have just kept the intense make out sessions going. Guys use dates to impress women to get them to make out with them. If he is already getting some action he won't go the extra mile. FACT. Then I went on to realize that the main premise of the show is even worse.  The head of neurology at a prominent hospital marries his one night stand who is not only a lowly intern when they sleep together but also bat shit crazy. FICTION. While these shows are fun to watch they are subconsciously affecting how we view relationships.




Disney is the biggest enemy of all to healthy modern relationships. With the possible exception of Mulan ( which was based on a true story) all the princess stories involve a man going though breathe defying odds to win the girl. A few of them [Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Princess and the Frog, Rapunzel] ok a lot of them even involve the bad guy good girl set up. Where the man is changed by the woman's love for him into someone good and respectable. Its no wonder women stay in abusive relationships Disney taught them that their love and goodness can change any bad boy into a good man.
 
 
The Disney Princesses are the original mean girls.
 
 
 
Another example of the bad guy being transformed into a good guy by the love of his princess comes from my all time favorite show of all time the Anime Sailor Moon. Darien was a complete ass to Serena and she fell for him..HARD. Then he magically transformed into the prince charming we all desire. Well thank you Sailor Moon because of your fictitious love story I have been equating men being assholes to me as a sign of their future love and affection you know after I change them.
 
 
 
More Like Fighting Love By Moonlight




 
 
After reading all this you probably think I hate all 3 of these things. You could not be more wrong. I just am not a fan of the brain washing it does to young impressionable girls. It sets unrealistic expectations on how a man expresses his love. It supports good girls going after bad guys while the good guys they should be with are left alone turning bitter and eventually into a bad guy. I recently read a book by a man about why mean cheat that stated most bad boys were once good boys that were screwed over by what once was a good woman who got screwed over by a good man. In other words its a vicious cycle, that I believe got its start from the media.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

All Over The Place Thinking About Love

Maybe it's Valentine's Day right around the corner, or my sister's impending engagement, or the romantic turn a friendship of mine is taking much to my general excitement, but love and dating have been on my mind a lot lately. The dynamics of dating and relationships in general from real life to television are drastically changing. Roles are swapping and evolving.

 I just watched an episode of The New Normal and a man was breastfeeding his child (with the help
of a device).



The widely popular TV show Scandal glorifies the position of being "the other woman".


 Older women are dating younger men and dating multiple at once is becoming increasingly more acceptable.


My sister and her boyfriend have decided to get engaged. Like together they decided. She has seen the ring and I am pretty sure she knows the proposal is coming on Valentine's Day . Its nontraditional but again times are changing. Pre-planning getting engaged maybe more practical. At least he doesn't have to worry about her saying no!

All of the love on television as well as my living vicariously through my sister is making think about my future and what I want out of a future relationship and future husband. If I am completely honest with myself I am a hopeless romantic in a completely irrational way. I want us to have passionate all consuming love. I want us to be the best part of each other's day. I want us to be unable to keep our hands off each other. The mistress on Scandal stated that she wanted desperate painful all consuming love. That is why she turned down a perfectly acceptable non married man's marriage proposal knowing that he could make her happy. Because the love she felt for him lacked that passion.

SO that's what I want the crazy love, but most importantly I want someone who loves me crazy back.

Practical me that has been through the pain, triumphs, ups, and downs of love or delusions of love knows that there is more to love than just passion. Falling passionately in love with someone who isn't right for you will never make you happy.

I am a weird individual. But I love me. And I want someone who likes me as I am. Often times we get into relationships with pre-planned ideas of how we will change this person.Well change is inevitable but you can't change anyone. Life changes us. Like ocean waves eroding the land. It molds us makes us stronger and eventually better.

The third ingredient in what I want in a future relationship is stability. Relationships involve money their is no way around it. It should not be about one person taking care of the other. I believe somewhere in the bible it mentions being equally yoked. That should be the standard we strive toward.

So find someone who makes you feel passionate, who you love quirks and all, and who fits economically. AND don't settle when you only have some of the ingredients. You need them all.

While I may never the find the man who will break out in song and confess his love to me or let me have a musical as a wedding, I will wait for the man who will sit through Pitch Perfect with me and while he may not admit it.....enjoys it.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

More How I Met Your Mother Wisdom

 This quote is from the Three Days Rule Episode. Honestly that whole episode could be a blog topic. For now I will stick with this beautiful quote from the most unexpected of places....



"just knowing he's out there thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe. So all your fears, all your yesterdays, wash away. And only hope remains in the promise of his embrace."

"You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made, because each one led me down the path that brought me to you."

"And when we finally come together, I want you to hold me. Hold me all night. Stroke my hair. Tell me I'm a woman, and show me you a man. Until there is only now. You, and I, and now."

"I do not ask of the night explanations, I wait for it, and it envelopes me, and so you, and bread, and light, and shadow, are. - That's Pablo Neruda."


This LEGEN ( wait for it) DARY quote helped me realize that all of the horrible relationships and even the not so horrible ones had to happen so that  I can meet the future father of my children. Just like how everything in How I Met Your Mother is intricately linked causing a chain of events like falling dominoes the same is true in real life. We are just too close to the situation to see how all the mistakes are leading us to that one person. But maybe if we are lucky we will be telling our kids a long ass story about how we met their father/mother.


"I’ll be back when the wind and fate and chance bring me back…which will be tomorrow. It’s cheese steak day."
 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Plans

I had a plan.

Five or so years ago I decided that I was gonna leave the amazingly small insignificant town I was born in and go off to a big school in a big city far away where no one knew me. I was going to be popular and have a lot of friends. Friendships that would last a lifetime.

I was going to find a major that interested me and I was going to get an amazing job outside of college that all the friends people I knew from my hometown would be jealous of.

Most importantly I was going to meet the man I was going to marry while in college.


NONE OF THESE THINGS HAPPENED.

I actually had numerous tragedies during my college years. Definitely not the best times of my life ( I hope).

As a  result of going to an university out of state with no scholarships, I am buried to my teeth in debt. I pay more for loans each month than I do for rent.

I made few friends. Lost most of the ones I did make. Regretted losing those friendships.

I got a job that barely required a high school diploma. I have since been promoted but its still just a job and not a career. And I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I am extremely single. Though I have some hope in that department I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch in that department. Especially since all weekend for some reason subconsciously I have been trying to push him away.

Despite all of these things I love my life. I am extremely blessed and happy.

Alone and happy.

While this may not have been my plan, I have to trust that this is god's plan. And somewhere out there are the friends, the career, and the man he has planned for me.

I just feel like there has to be more than this provincial life.  ( shameless Disney Reference)

I want the life I read in books. Where is my Christian freaking Grey.

I'm an Aries so patience isn't really in my repertoire. Waiting for all this to happen feels unbearable. But I am enjoying this journey. So for now I just plan to enjoy life, figure out what the hell I want and just freaking go for it.

(Well one thing (or person) I want requires patience or I will ruin it...im 99.9% sure).

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

New Year New You?

It's that time of the year again. The first of the year. The beginning of the next adventure in your life. Every year we make resolutions to improve and better our lives. How many of us actually resolve these goals by Dec 31st? I am definitely guilty of falling short of achieving resolutions in my life. Does that mean the previous year was a failure? No! Just meant that I lost sight of what I wanted or that I put off till tomorrow what should have been done yesterday! So in the spirit of if at first you don't succeed......Here are my New Years Resolutions for 2013!



1. Become more spiritual:

This a broad resolution but I have implemeted a plan to help me achieve this already. I will read a bible verse daily. I feel ashamed to be more knowledgeable about secular matters than I am about biblical matters. It's Day 8 in the year and I am proud to say I am 8 for 8.

2. Become healthier

Again a broad resolutions. To achieve this one I will eat better, workout more, and drink less.

3. Become more professional

I am blessed to have a great job. I need to improve my professionalism to get an even better job. This will be done through reading relavent material and research.


Nobody is perfect so I am certain I will stumble and maybe even fall on my quest for improvement. But as long as I get myself back up again it can be considered a success!


Who Am I

The title of my introductory post for my new blog is "Who Am I".

Well I am someone who thinks anyone who knows the answer to that question is full of BS ( haven't decided if I will use profanity in this blog yet). I have begun to realize that truly knowing yourself is a life long journey. Every day some new unique aspect of our persona is revealed to us.

So join me for this exploration of me.

I will be blogging about life, love, food, sex, and honestly anything else my ADD (not offically diagnosed) mind comes across. I invite you to comment and discuss these topics with me.